The Rules


By:  Kenda



     “What ya' so down in the mouth for today, A.J.?  You've been sittin' over there mopin' since you came in this morning.”


“I have not been!”


     “And you're short tempered, too.  A sure sign that all is not well in paradise.”


“I'm not short tempered!  And what the hell do you mean by, all is not well in parad...okay, okay, I guess you're right.  I have been...out of sorts today.  Sorry.”


     “No apology necessary, little brother.  I understand.  You and Liz had a little...spat, I take it?”


“No!  Well...yes.  Yes, we did.”


     “What about this time?  If you don't mind me askin', that is.”


“Oh, just the usual.  She was mad because I showed up two hours late for our date last night.  She didn't sound mad when I called her earlier in the afternoon, to tell her  I might be late depending on how our case moved along.  As a matter of fact, she said that was just fine.  That she had some things to do around the house anyway.  Then the next thing you know, she's giving me the cold shoulder all through dinner.  Women!  I swear, Rick, no matter how long I live, I'll never understand them.”


     “That's 'cause you keep tryin'.”


“Pardon me?”


     “Your first mistake, A.J., comes from the fact that you keep trying to understand women to begin with.  You play their game.  Never, but never, play along with them.”


“This advice from a man who hasn't had a steady relationship since he was seventeen, and wanted to run off and join the circus with Peggy Sue Ditmeyer.”


     “Ah...Peggy Sue Ditmeyer.  I haven't thought of her in years.  She was quite the little gymnast.  Man, could that girl do a back bend.”


“I don't think I want to hear this.”


     “Don't worry.  You're not gonna.  You were too young to hear the details when I was seein' her, and you're still too young to hear 'em.” 


“Ha. Ha.”


     “Seriously, A.J.  I think I can help you out here.  In reality, understanding women is really quite simple as long as you remember the rules.” 


“The rules?  What rules?”


     “These rules.  Number one.  The female always makes the rules.”


“No kidding.”


     “No kidding is right, little brother.  Number two.  The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.”


“Like Liz saying it was okay that I was going to be late last night, then being ticked off because I was, in fact, late?”


     “Exactly.  See, you're gettin' the hang of this, baby brother.  Number three.  No male can possibly know all the rules.  Only females are born with this knowledge.”


“No wonder I'm fighting a losing battle.”


     “Even more than you might think, because if the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately changes the above mentioned rules without prior consent from the male.”


“Boy, Liz has got this stuff down pat.”


     “They all do, A.J.  Believe me, they all do.  On to  number five.  The female is never wrong.


     “And number six.  If by chance the female is wrong, it’s because of a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.


     “Which leads us to number seven.  If rule number six

applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.”


“That's exactly what happened to me last night!  I ended up being the one apologizing for the way our evening turned out, when Liz was the one who started the whole fight to begin with.”


     “See how clever they are, A.J.?  See how Liz turned that all around on you without you even realizing it?”


“I do now.”


     “Number eight.  The rule all males learn early in life.  The female can change her mind at any given point in time.


     “And coinciding with that, number nine.  The male must never change his mind without written consent from the female.”


“How true.”


     “Yeah, it is.  Now, number ten.  And probably the most important one to keep in mind.  The female has every right to be angry or upset at any given time.”


“Don't I know it.”


     “With a girlfriend like Liz, I'd have to say you do.”




     “Hey, I'm just bein' honest here, A.J.  On to number eleven, and tied into number ten.  The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 


     “And the most confusing of all, rule number twelve.  The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.”


“Isn't that the truth!  First Liz was mad at me last night because I wouldn't fight with her over the fact that I was late.  Then when she'd finally pushed me to the point that I started to yell, too, she got all teary-eyed and told me I had no right to be upset and to holler at her like that.  I swear, Rick, I couldn't win.  At first she was mad because I wasn't mad, and then she was mad because I was!”


     “That's how women work, A.J.  They purposely excel at keeping us off balance, so they have the upper hand at all times.”


“Thanks, Rick, for sharing these rules with me.  For once something you've said makes sense.  I'm going to spend time thinking about all you've passed along to me, and see what I can change for the better between Liz and myself.”




“Yes, change.  Why?”


     “It will never work, A.J.  I forgot to tell you rule number thirteen.”


“Rule number thirteen?”


     “Yeah.  Any attempt to change said rules could result in severe punishment inflicted on the male by the female.”


“I'll never win.”


     “No, A.J., you won't.  No male will.  Believe me, the women of world will see to that.”



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~



I read these amusing ‘women’s rules’ years ago, and incorporated them into this story using Rick and A.J.  I did not write the rules, therefore can’t take credit for their origin.  The author was not named.  All I can take credit for is incorporating the Rules into this little Simon and Simon story.  <G>



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